Scars

Something Jayson said about scars from GC 2004, as well as what Julie T said about feeling uneasy about GC coming up have both resonated with me, and spurred me to finally write my first blog post in this forum.

I am also a General Conference veteran.  In 1996, I attended the entire two weeks in Denver with the Garrett-Evangelical seminar.  In 2000, I attended the Cleveland GC as a volunteer from Broadway UMC and stayed the whole time there as well.  In 2004, I planned not to go at all, but midway through the first week, found I couldn't stay away.  By the weekend I was in Pittsburgh.  And I plan to attend the entire conference this year as well.  "Liberal church nerd".  That's me.  (Thanks to Sue for the label.)

My clearest memories are of the Cleveland GC.  I was a legislation monitor in the Faith and Order legislative committee.  It took almost all of my time and energy.  We met late into the nights and all day on both weekend days.  I did not get to attend the RMN rally, or do any witnessing events like holding open doors and passing out newsletters.  I barely saw my BUMC friends and I certainly didn't get as much time as I would have liked seeing my larger "church family"--some of whom I only see at this gathering, every four years!

But I clearly remember the last days and hours.  The faces of the delegates.  The 14 Bishops who led a hymn sing during a break in the voting.  The witness of Sue Laurie and Randy Miller.  The faces of those who went up front during the proceedings, and their subsequent arrest.  (And the celebration we had outside the jail when they were released.)  The anguished voice of the woman who threatened to jump from the balcony railing when the church's renewed rejection of her sexuality and her very person were brought to life in the voting.  The tears.  The way my stomach felt.  The faces and rainbow rag stoles of those who were watching the proceedings from the balcony--a silent witness.  The rockin' party we had down the street when it was all over--a resurrection of sorts.

That these memories are so clear all these years later reveals just what an impact that gathering had on me emotionally.  It was overwhelming and traumatic.  I remember the ride home; it was pretty quiet in the car.  We were all just shell-shocked and exhausted.  It took me months afterwards to feel like myself again.

Am I anxious about going to Fort Worth?  You bet I am.  But I am also hopeful, afraid, excited, determined, and feeling the Spirit leading me.   We are going to Texas next month.  I can't wait to see all those far-flung family members.  I look forward to the comfort of being surrounded by other United Methodists and having some great worship opportunities.  I will feel welcome, because this is my church and my home.  I know this will not be without struggle, and the work we will do spans many years and at least a few more General Conferences!  But I feel ready to get there and begin the work anew.

I have been carrying around two Audre Lord quotes recently and I think they're appropriate for us:

When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.

When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.

Comments

[Antony Hebblethwaite]

Thank you sharing your experiences as a GC veteran. This is the first time I will be there in person (I have watched them from far away at work). These entries are very helpful to me as I prepare spiritually and emotionally.

[Tiffany Steinwert]

Jenn,

You have captured so much of what it is like to go and be part of General Conference. Thanks for your post and your continued witness to the Gospel!

Texas, here we come!

Paz,

Tiffany